i hate myself.

i wish that somebody kidnap me while am in d nite market.
then several days later, suffocate me
n stuff me into a sports bag.
and leave it at a noticable place.
i hate myself.
why God doesnt wanna take away peeps who hate themselves?
why He wants ppl to suffer?
why He doesnt wanna fulfill my ideal death?
(well its not being kidnap la, my ideal death is something else)
frankly speaking
there were several times i wanna end my life
by strangling myself and suffocate using pillow
while having difficulty breathing
a reminder saying "u havent accomplished ur missions"
so i released myself
coughed
breathed for air.

i pity Nurin. i still dont believe that the dead girl pic is her. it looks different. the mouths, eyes r different, but not d noses. however DNA says it all.

this week.

last week's lunch!

mon :: mcdees' banana pie and apple pie
tuesday :: mcdees fries
wed :: mcchicken, fries, coke
fri :: 2 hashbrowns

i am devoted to mcdees. i havent been eating mcdees since sept last year, coz i was totally broke. i gotta used my allowances, which is not much, for my tuition with a group of frens. am glad i pass that subject. i vowed that i need to pass it no matter what. because it was so sickening to drive to fren's place using federal highway at 6pm and only could reach home at 10pm. sickening shit really. and i hate that place.

i have a serious insomnia illness i guess. i had 2 hours of sleep at d wee hours on wed before dragging myself out from the bed. i was damn pissed as soon as my alarm rang coz i only managed to sleep properly minutes b4 it rang. after d lecturer dismissed us, i woudnt stand due to my headache, and thus went to d library to take a nap - 90 minutes!!! and again today, i had headache, worse that wed's. went to library, couldnt sleep properly, thus flagging a cab, and headed home. took 5 hours of sleep. i can afford to hail a cab to go home now provided that i dun spend my money on mcdees happy meal set everyday.


i have class on every sat.. sighhhh. kinda tired having only one day of rest in a week and this gonna prolong till april!!

why did he bring up d question??

devastated but thankful.

i passed a piece of paper to my dad, written my subjects fees on it. feeling insecured with the number, as it is claimed to bring bad luck among the chinese community. i am not a superstitious to some extend, however the number 4400 makes me even wanna study harder. am TOO afraid that TheMighty will fail my final year despite having to study very extremely hard. it may happen. it may not. ooh, my final year, come on!!!

dad :: are u really serious with ur studies? (as he was looking at d paper)
me :: yes, of course! (his words really upset me greatly)

i dont know why he questioned with that? puzzled. upset. dissapointed. maybe he is upset after i have burnt 243 pounds last week. lol.

i have put my soul and heart in d exam 5 mths ago. i have studied consistently from sept 2006 to may 2007. i stayed in the library for at least 4 days in a week, at least 5 hours of studies in a day, ok maybe 30 minutes perday in d library to chat with frens and luncheon. i am not bragging or whateva shit, but its d truth. call me a nerd, i dont care! call me a studious student, i dont mind! i just dont understand why he didnt see my mundane activities for 9 months. i didnt complain during that duration, coz all i want is to get thru. all my hard work i did, getting thru my 2nd year clean and cut, but the end results, he isnt satisfied. its a very rare occasion that a student studying u0l will get above 70+ in ALL subjects. its even difficult to hit 71. dont believe me? check out NST or STAR newspaper ystday's or today's, ATC u0l - LLB results released which covered a whole full page, u will see majority that hit A is at 70. SELDOM examiners generously reward 70 above. a fren took LLB UOL said "second upper class is like first class in whateva courses". agree.

back to d story. i didnt get A. just B and 3C's. yah, i know i may be dumb to some coz of the un-impressive grades. i am upset more than anybody else. however, i gotta b satisfied with it, what else can i ask for????!!!! anyhow, he shouldnt asked me that question. if i wasnt serious, i would have break my guts and tell him that i would like to pursue another course which is easier 2 yrs back.

back to history :: after pre-uni, i dont know what to pursue, so he told me to take that course. i blindly followed his advice, google about this school, its reputation, its ranking in guardian uk. i didnt know that the ranking is close to cambridgeoxfordsoboring. am glad that i took his advice, although i dont say "THANK YOU, DAD" to him, but deep down in my heart i really appreciate what he has done. he knows lse is tough, and yet .............. am speechless.

on the other hand, am glad that he asked me that question. it has awaken me.

"wake up, no more summer holz, its over. get back to ur bookworm mode."

so i took out my notes, and tried to read, ooh gosh, its difficult to digest the knowledge.

*

sitting in the lib,
catching a financial reporting book,
feeling a moment of silent,
feeling a moment of loneliness,
feeling something is missing.

flipping the pages,
reading sentence by sentence,
reading between d words,
nothing came into me,

thinking whether to take up,
law of organization theory or,
marketing or,
further mathematics for economists.
its annoying that i want a calculation sub,
but the fact is feeling uncertain that i could get at least B.

occupying my time,
thinking what to substitute tht subs,
no ppl i could talk to,
no ppl i could refer to,

i am feeling lonely,
in the lib,
the familiar faces tat i used to see,
arent here anymore.

we used to hang out in each other cubicles,
we used to ask each others' progresses,
we used to complete our work together,

for d past 3 yrs,when whoever passed by my cubicle,
i will look up,
to see if anybody i know, i can greet,
then we would take a few minutes to chat.

today, i look up numerous times when i heard feets walking towards me,
to my disappointment,
those faces arent familiar,
its a habit to look up,
but now,
it gotta b scapred off,
i miss my friends.....

yes i know
"what is passed is pased..."

what say u,babe

::lilgirl wrote this::

::lilgirl showed me this::

::responding her with::

::making her jealous with::


we communicate using photos. am waiting for her to response. haha. i dun know how old is she, should be less than 12 yrs old. so young yet know how to snatch my boifren.. sad case!

i know u dont understand this post. nvm. in economics, we call it SELF-SATISFACTION.

hungry

ooh dear..
strong craving for
+fried carrot cake
+sushis
+waffer
+vanilla con ice-cream in jaya
+cold drinks
+pringles
+piece of cake
+'lo shi fun' in sri emas
+kiwi

i had d desire to go to hypermarket and stock up my food. soon tmw i will b contented.