i do feel useless.

i always ponder, what have i done so far. n.o.t.h.i.n.g. is d answer. sigh.

MandeeQ says:
i am 23 this year, and i havent done anything beneficial yet.
MandeeQ says:
nothing has benefited me in these 23 yrs. and nothing has benefited my parents from me.
MandeeQ says:
Sigh
Gerard Bulger says:
fear it at 36. Women have a bioligical problem
Gerard Bulger says:
Do not worry...they have made the investment in you and they will get their return in years to come. Even the joy of seeing you off and independent doing things that they never could do at your age...

couldnt stop it.

i could say that this year will be a travelling-year for me, and travelling-around-d-world has never been in my list before coz i know it will just never gonna come true unless i get a rich brat husband in d future or strike lottery.
neeway in months to come, i definitely gonna go smell the air of ohio and new york and not forgetting i must make an effort to go to wilmington (north carolina), coz of one tree hill of coz, and virginia. last tues, jo planned to go to seaworld, florida. today, krystal and amy were inviting me to join them to los angeles. fyi, all of us arent working in d same place, so prolly we might meet somewhere in d middle of usa. then they were planning to stay a few days in taipei before returning back. i was like "good, i wanna join, then i can see wangleehom in d airport". neeway, i gotta see how much money left for me after shopping-and- buying-some-nonsense stuffs. aint sure whether i could make it for taipei-stay and los angeles. air tix fare from ny area to la will be expensive. ok, i could see all of us are so so excited although we are suppose to only strictly study for our final year now and not thinking bout other stuffs. i guess we will stop planning on places to go till we get our visa approved. yes yes, we havent even done with our visa and think so ahead, yes yes .

still wanna shake my legs?

:: i need to sit down and re-choose my 3 employers choices, which d dateline is TOMORROW. yes 27thjanuary2008.

:: i need to figure out how on earth to walk to shangrila hotel from wateva lrt station.

:: i need to take an initiative to be prepared with questions throw by my employers by 2ndfeb2008.

:: i must get letter from my college to verify that i am a student.

:: i must get a reference letter from my ex-employer.

:: i must get a reference letter from lecturer(s).

:: i must prepare my transcriptssssss.

:: i must get my visa done.

:: i must photocopy my passport.

:: i must hunt for d cheapest air tic to wherever.

:: i must plan what date am i coming back.

:: i must study auditing, i-am-so-missing-you. and financial reporting. and management accounting. and macroeconomics.

:: i must stop looking at cedar point, my dream place.


for d very first time, i have no idea that i have. must. should. complete all these by mid june, therefore i have no time for guys, who loves who, i love you nor you love me thingy, or why we havent been talking yet despite knowing for 4 yrs. i have no time to even play rollerblade in putrajaya. frens said i seldom online now. and i have no idea what do i do during d nites when i used to online during those time.

whenever i did nothing in d nite, i feel very sleepy easily and thus i will just head to d bed by 12am and i did this quite often for d past 1 week. today, my routine was different, ie drove from klang back here with lousy no lamp posts with no lights. then went out again after a few minutes rest in d house, to accompany fren who has problem with petty relationships shitty issue. fren's driving was putting myself at d very end of risky side cause of d r/ship problem distracting fren's concentration, therefore i demanded that d car to be pulled-over, and i take over d wheels. driving a kelisa is so much lighter and its as though am playing with daytona. it took me like 45 minutes to go to asian cafe coz i turned wrongly somewhere in d roundabout and ended in usj, and with subang isnt my territory, do not say my sense of direction is lousy. finding a parking lot makes me curse alot, and we ended up in a some sort of kopitiam. food was above average. had fried mushroom cost only rm4.80, compare to asian cafe's rm10+. peanut toast bread. something like that. and on d way back, i was still listening to d same crappy-ness regarding fren's relationship-friendship problem thingy.

its nearly 3am, gotta head to my bed and dream bout something that will give me a smile when i wake up. i have been waking up between 7-730am for d past 3 weeks.

same o' thing.

i just cant believe that u said i am a burden to u. am i really a burden to u for d past 23 yrs? u said that coz i dont own some assets u have right now? sometimes u complain that i interupt ur day for sending me to college, for making u rush like mad after picking me up from college before dinner time, for making u stuck in d bloody traffic jam. am just sick of cold and silent treatments when we argued about ur car and d moments we were in d car and money issue. i know and u know that am not capable of having what u have now, and is this d way u r gonna make me suffer? all i could do to entertain and make myself satisfy, is by throwing my face out from d car windscreen and roll my eyes. there were many times i wish i am not who and what and where i am. there was once i wrote "i hate this life" on a piece of paper and left it on a table purposely for u to see it. and u were very angry that i hated my life. i have always wish that i was never born in this world. i know i have said to u 25 months ago that "i am not a perfect daughter u wanted unlike other ppl's daughter" and i never talked to u for 2.5 months except d moment i told u i need few thousands for some stuffs. i didnt really communicate to u during CNY 2 yrs back. i was in my own world for 3 months or more. and after 25 months later, u give me d same ole' treatments. and is this how am i gonna start my new year and celebrate chinese new year? chinese new year has no meaning to me since 6 years ago. i guess this year's occasion will be like last year's whereby again i didnt communicate to u while we were at a relative's house. i remembered vividly that all i did was played with my cousin's shihtzu d whole time before it was time to go to penang. i never like cny, and still hating it and never gonna love it until someone makes me believe that cny is a happy-get-together occasion shit.

i could forsee that we will be learning how to deal with each other soon when i am not around for quite sometime later this year. i just cant wait for this to happen when u will feel something is incomplete ie i wont be around for months, baby......
soon......
soon....
soon...
soon..
soon.
soon


am currently listening to a korean song... its all in korean but there are some english lyrics in it that goes "...i will never cry...."

when i see this kinda emo lyrics, it makes me stronger. no wonder i like fergie's "big girls dont cry".

p/s: dun ever tell me to appreciate what i have now, and regret it later in my life when i lost it. neeway i think my doctor overdosed me n i dun feel hungry, its like i am always feeling full eventhough i havent been eating for hours. i havent been eating a proper meal for more than 24 hours. ystday's lunch - proper rice and dishes, dinner had mihun. today's breakfast had a cup of drink and few slices of bread, lunch had cheesetart, and its 930pm now and i havent eaten my dinner.

24

now marks the 15th hour, all alone in the house. i decided not to follow parents to pg for a day trip. i occupied my time by watching 10 episodes of 24 season 3. i have 3 more seasons to go, and there is no way i can finish it by monday unless i photocopy myself to 4 amandas'. and d next time i will b watching wateva dvds will b in june11th. so prolly my dad is gonna return everything to his fren before june comes. maybe he should return it. coz i will have no discipline and watch it and therefore neglect my studies. and as the results, panic at the very last minute. and when am panic, i cant input anything. and when i cant input anything, i cry. ;)


actually am not a fan of 24. the series is super slow for me especially the first half of d seasons. and why do i still follow up? its because, once i watch a boxset, i gotta finish watching till d last bit of it. coz if i were to stop halfway, i have wasted my time watching d earlier episodes. and why do i still wanna waste my time to complete watching d show, i dunno... but this-is-so-me.


i think i put on weight again after a week back here from hanoi. i have said before i dun give an issue bout my weight, but not until i found out bout myself in nov. in a blink of a week, i can see myself getting fatter. gosh, i think i need to stay in hanoi, pho without oil and hiking with d lengchai tour guide will contribute to d happiness in my doc's face. its so sickening and frustrated that my weight never gone down now despite i eat less. my doc is gonna kill me in 2 weeks time. doc doc, i eat so much lesser now coz i dun feel hungry anymore, but i still dunno why d damn metabolisme is so slow???